Laced With Grace

It never fails.  As soon as I have something I NEED to do on the computer, it suddenly runs slow and then a pop-up tells me “updates are available.” I’ve fallen for this trick before- I downloaded the “updates” only to find the computer does exactly what it did before.  To me- it wasn’t worth the interruption.  Apparently updating  software is a little like updating your haircut- no one but you may notice.  Or, everyone will notice because it is THAT bad…

I usually argue for a few minutes with the screen and then click “postpone, remind me to update again later”.   After an hour of reminder every 10 minutes, I have to repeat the process.  I swear the reminders get more ominous… “security patch is now available” “necessary updates, recommended” And maybe once or twice an “update now, or your computer will implode” warning has popped up.  

Eventually- the computer’s nagging wins.   (Or the cat moves and I can access the keyboard) I update.  I click “download”… then hold my breath and wait…(does time actually slow down when a computer updates.. or is it just me?)  The box closes.  Then, I click the “re-boot now or your identity will be stolen within 6.5 seconds” button… or whatever else the screen (threatens) tells me to do. 

I am still leery of the outcome.  However, inevitably, the computer re-boots and all is fine.  Security patches protect me in ways I don’t understand, and I (usualloy) find the files I was working on, still intact. Version 2.0 proves better than beta. I am relieved and maybe even more efficient.

I’m sure there is some deep psychological reason why I delay the updates… fear of change, fear of the unknown, laziness etc.  Whatever the reason, I do it every-time.  I delay the update.  God and I have been having a similar situation, lately.  I sense He wants to do some updating of things (namely, me) … I keep clicking “update later.” Patiently, He pops up again…. reminding me of the necessary updates… I argue about how everything is running along pretty fine and can’t we just leave things as is?  Besides… what if we run into problems with the install? Like a loving parent, he persists.

Eventually…. I give up… I let Him update, me- not my hard drive.  I listen and hear something in his word I never heard before.  I see an attitude in desperate need of changing,   I am confronted with a sin I need forgiveness for… or I sense a download of his love and encouragement straight to my heart.

When I finally do allow him to update- the changes may be small, even unnoticeable to others- or they may be dramatic.   Either way, I am not the same.  I am Me- Version 2.0 (OK- so more like V2,000.0 but you get the point;) I am different.

Today- I have a question, are you clicking the “update later” button with God?  Are you afraid of the possible changes, or challenges of the updates He may want to make?  Me too.   But- I’m thinking, Me V. 2,001.2 could only be, more like Him…….Update is always an upgrade,  with God.  Let’s let the master programmer make the necessary changes, together-

Luke 22: 39- 53 (NIV)

Jesus Prays on the Mount of Olives

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.” 

Jesus Arrested

 While he was still speaking a crowd came up, and the man who was called Judas, one of the Twelve, was leading them. He approached Jesus to kiss him, but Jesus asked him, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?”

 When Jesus’ followers saw what was going to happen, they said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear.

 But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.

 Then Jesus said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come with swords and clubs? Every day I was with you in the temple courts, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is your hour—when darkness reigns.”

On a Mountain of Olives. 

A number of years ago- my husband and I were able to go to Greece and Turkey for vacation.  While we were there, we did all the touristy things we could in the short time available to us.  This included going to Athens,and seeing olive trees; centuries old, still bearing fruit. 

On a blue skied, arid day, we stood before a hill topped and covered with craggy old olive trees.  The tour guide told us that olive trees take DECADES to mature to the point of producing fruit.  She went on to say in lovely broken english that the one who planted an olive tree rarely lived to see it’s fruit.  The work, the waiting would most likely benefit another generation.   Decades. Since I have been known to hover over the coffee pot waiting for it to brew, (rather impatiently, I must confess) and to yell at the microwave for not defrosting chicken fast enough,  the idea of waiting for anything for decades, is incomprehendable.

Today, when re-reading this text- that scene came flooding back.  I could smell  lamb roasting (there is always a background scent of lamb in Greece and Turkey) and feel the sun on my skin.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this story– and the fact that Jesus did this all -while he stood on a mountain of olives  (Mount of Olives) had escaped me.  

Today,  I see it. The trees- huge and strong, bearing olives and thin pointed leaves.  Planted so long ago by men of vision, hope and planning.   Such a visual.  Jesus- fully aware of what is about to happen, standing on a mountain of olives, a symbol of patient endurance and harvest in season, where he preaches, prays, and patiently awaits his betrayal and arrest.  Jesus- like the olive tree planter— knew what would be accomplished in the long term…. salvation.  My salvation and yours, and should God tarry- salvation for generations after us.  He did/does the work that would be required for the harvest.  Amazing. Maybe— as he looked around on the Mount of Olives- he too- found hope and courage among the olive branches.  

I know- that forever more- I will.

Dear Jesus- I don’t know how you did it. I don’t know how you knew what would happen to you, then patiently let it unfold in the fullness of time. I don’t know how you were patient with disciples who left you to pray alone while they slept, I don’t know how you healed the ear of your captor, when I’d have wanted someone to fight for my life. All I know- Lord- is that you did. And because you did-because you paid the ultimate price for sin,  I can find hope. Both for my own salvation and for my transformation, and for those I’ve come along side and shared your truth with… carefully planting seeds I may never see grow— but you do–

 Lord- I love you and pray for each one that comes here today-that they would experience your loving patience and sacrifice, on a mountain of olives….and that we would in turn be more loving and patient with those around us— I love you Lord- and thank you for all that you’ve done— amen

My fists pounded brick.  Tears stung my eyes as I worked, but- I would not let them fall.  I would not cry.  I was angry. Anger felt better than hurt.  I pounded with all my might to tear apart what had been so carefully built.  Making no progress, I dug at the mortar between the bricks with my fingernails.  My nails broke.  Fingertips, bled.  Blisters formed on my hands and broke, left in their wake was raw flesh, to continue the work.  I didn’t care.  I searched for tools to tear apart the house.  A shovel, a pick axe, whatever I could find, I used them.  The anger, hurt,  frustration,  pain and a whole host of emotion fueled the demolition.  I’ll  say this- if they could find a way to harness a woman’s angst and use it as fuel…. we wouldn’t be having issues with the prices at the gas pump.

Had I really been outside, tearing apart my house with my bare hands, it wouldn’t have lasted long.  (I’m a wimp-  and bloodied hands would hurt.) Besides, someone would have sent me on an all expense paid (by my insurance company) trip to the “Happy Mommy Spa”.  (Suburban-speak for local psych-ward ) I wasn’t that lucky.  There were no bruises, blisters, bleeding.  The demolition wasn’t even visible to passersby.  I quietly, and with little notice, carried on.  A bulldozer could not have done more damage.

The scene was years ago and I was  hurt, overwhelmed, afraid and angry.  The cause, is not important. (today)   My response, however, is .  I over spent, over ate,  over reacted and over spoke. (Have I mentioned, that I tend to over do things?  Side note: My mouth is my best demolition tool- I can take out a full grown, emotionally stable human being, in very few words.  NOT a spiritual gifting, that’s for sure. ) I used every tool I had or could get.  I said things to people both involved and un-involved, that I shouldn’t have.  I was a one woman demolition crew, destroying whatever I could reach.  I may not have created the mess- but I was sure making it worse.

I remember vividly, seeing my carefully manicured (but Chuck Norris- lethal) hands, holding the edges of my bible, when I came upon these words:

Proverbs 14:1

 The wise woman builds her house,
  but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

My hands shook.  I started to sweat. I feel nauseous.  For a minute, I thought I had the flu.  My body knew the truth before my brain did.  I was that foolish woman.  Justifiable or not… in response to my situation-I was tearing down my own house.  My body, my mind, my relationships, finances and my family.   Brick, by bloody brick.  As quickly as that truth set in, another truth settled in next to it in my heart, like a dove:

Colossians 1:9-13  “For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

It was the word redemption, that made the tears finally fall.  I wanted what I had lost– to be redeemed.  All those emotions that had been fueling my demolition project…. they were because I felt like I had lost so much.  According to Eastons’ Bible dictionary- the word redemption means this: ” The purchase back of something that had been lost, by the payment of a ransom.“  I had been wanting redemption (for the situation) all along…. I just didn’t know it.  I had confused redemption for retaliation.  (oops, my bad.) Like a child having a tantrum…. I lashed out. With my own hands… I tore at what was left, in a twisted attempt to regain what had been lost.  As my desire for redemption became clear… (and at that point my need for forgiveness- too , over the damage I had now done..) I came to see this scripture, in a whole new light:

Roman’s 3:21-26   “But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.”

We all have fallen short, yet He offers redemption, and grace.  Slowly, (And I do mean slowly, here… this was NOT an instantaneous thing…) what had fueled the demolition attempts started to drained away.  I began to see that God was involved in the situation.  (He always had been— but I was too busy prying bricks to notice) Instead of a feeling of entitlement (over how things SHOULD be) I started to recognize it as an opportunity to see what God WOULD do.  He would pour out forgiveness.  He would redeem. 

Brick by brick, what had been demolished by the situation (and then, by my own hands….) is being re-built.  The new “home” isn’t like the old one….. it’s much better.  Oh- sure, the work isn’t finished.  There are missing brick here and there,   a few cracked windows, yet to be replaced and residual fingernail marks . (Those acrylics can do some damage before they finally give way;) But, the remodeling has begun. 

Today, the place where I live, is being (and for the most part- has been) restored, heart, soul, body, and home.  The new floor plan is incredible. So much better than what was.  No matter how long it takes- I know it will be worth it.  (Besides- now that I’m not ripping apart the work, as fast as it goes up… the process is considerably faster!)

Look down at your hands.  Are they bloodied?  Battered?  Are they bruised and blistered from your personal demolition project?  Have you been tearing apart your own home?  Maybe it was in response to a hurt, maybe it is by an addiction that you just can’t stop.  Maybe, it’s because of habits you just don’t know how to get rid of.  Maybe you didn’t even know- that long since whatever the origin of the fuel was gone….you’ve been the one continuing the demolition.

It’s time to set down your tools and weapons.  Stop tearing apart your home with your own hands and let God bring redemption and forgiveness. It’s time to let him, rebuild. I promise He has something incredible in mind for you.

Dear Lord- there are so many things that fuel our demolition projects, anger, hurt, fear, frustration… the list is unending. There are big things we tear apart and small ones. The world hurts… but God- we know that you can heal. I pray for everyone that comes here today- that you’d help them to look at their hands and see if it’s by their own hands that they are tearing apart their homes. Regardless of what fuels it- God I pray that you’d bring redemption. Restore what was lost by the price that you paid that very first Easter. I pray for the courage and grace to forgive and be forgiven. I love you Lord- and I delight in what you are re-building in me- and what you are about to do in each one here. Amen.

 Take a step- today.  Get help.  Pray.  Forgive, (maybe even -forgive yourself?) Stop sabotaging what God wants to build.  Let Him Build.