Laced With Grace

“Mike?  Will you go outside and put the birdseed into the feeder for me?”  I called from the kitchen.  After exhausting every excuse he could invent (oh the joys of parenting teens;) He tromped outside (in shorts and his tennis shoes, in Michigan in the middle of winter…in the snow) to do what was required.  After a while— I noticed he still hadn’t come back in.  I went to the door to find out why.  I couldn’t see him.  Instead,  my eyes followed a crazy, men’s size 10 foot-path that wandered through the yard. 

It started at the door- went to one tree, then around another, it continued toward the patio and disappeared around the side of the house.  I looked at the bird feeder.  Yep.  It was full.   At least he’d been there.  But where was he now? At 18, I don’t worry (much) if he is out of sight, but I was to say the least, intrigued.  There were a good 6 inches of snow on the ground and he WAS wearing shorts….(I don’t even ask anymore;) Just as I was about to yell out the door to (humiliate) I mean,  locate him, I heard the front door open and shut.  

“Where were you?”  I asked. (I do not know why Moms ask questions like this… but we do.) “I put bird food in the feeder, like you asked me too.” He replied, stomping his feet to shake the snow from his tennis shoes.  “I didn’t ask you to hike through snow around the yard in shorts and a t-shirt for 20 minutes! Are you trying to freeze yourself to death, or catch a cold???” (Even if I know it’;s not true, we’ve been passing a virus around here, so I’m on high alert to germs I sounded like every lame, sit-com Mom ever on TV.  “I’m not cold… I was looking around.  There are a bunch of footprints out there, you know animals, sheesh! I did what you said! “  He answered, through (slightly) chattering teeth. “Thanks.” I mumbled.  Annoyed- but not sure why.

I decided to back off.  (For once)  He had done what I asked, hadn’t her?   So, why was I annoyed?  I tried to let it go, chalking it up to a “mom thing.” But, every time I passed the patio door, I saw those foot prints. Those crazy, wandering footprints.  “Why couldn’t he just do what I said?  Why did he waste so much time wandering around, didn’t he know he could get sick or freeze or something?!”

“Why do you?” Said that still small voice.   I knew instantly, why I was annoyed.  It had nothing to do with my boy’s footprints.  It had everything to do with MINE.  If my days were mapped with footprints in snow, many of them would look like my son’s path.  I get done what I have to… eventually.  I’m not talking about laundry and dishes and projects and such, (although I tend to meander through those as well;) I’m talking about the things I feel like God is asking me to do.

Things like:

Love difficult people. Reach out, when it isn’t comfortable. (Hey it’s nice and toasty here in my little house;)   Stretch and grow in areas that I’d rather let atrophy or better yet- have surgically removed;) . 

When God asks me to do those things… I spend a lot of time traipsing around in the snow.  I don’t quite NOT do them…. I just don’t always DO them directly. Sometimes, to be honest,  I wonder if God knows what He’s doing… asking me to do them at all.  Sometimes, they just don’t make sense, (in a common sense kind of way) so I drag my feet in rebellion. Sometimes, I just don’t want to do them, so I hesitate, I wander. I  believe, that God knows how long it will take me to actually do something, and that He is patient and loving towards me, even in my wanderings….

But- I wonder what would be different, if I quit wasting so much time, going in circles?   

I can’t remember green.  (Ok. So that is a bit melodramatic..) However, in February, in Michigan, (where I live) it could happen.  Color is nearly absent in February.

Of course,  there are enormous variations of black, grey and white, a few splashes of brown, but that’s about it.  The snow is grey and dirty.  It looks tired and worn out.   There is a grey, salty residue (we salt our walks to melt the snow) on the hardwood floor… (As a side note- I think my family avoids stepping on the doormat, instead, they opt to wipe their feet on the hardwood.  We’ll be having a little “meeting” about that.  Also- I should probably, mop: ) What isn’t covered in snow, is dappled in mud.  It may be a technicolor world… but Michigan, is currently, shades of black and white.

This morning, I poured an extra large, (think: cereal bowl with a handle)  cup of coffee, with french vanilla, creamer.  I wrapped my hands around it to warm them, took a deep breath and then poured out my heart to God about the whole, grey mess.  I suppose some of my out-pouring (aka: whining) was prompted by the weather,  some by my hormones, and some due to a few minor circumstances that are outside of my control.   Nothing tragic.. just low key saddness, colored grey.

Out of the corner of my eye- I saw a flash of red.  Not just “brownish” pretending to be red… but true vivid, monochrome- busting,  RED. Brilliant, moving, living color, in my backyard.  A cardinal, had perched himself in the cat-tails.  COLOR.  What my eyes were craving, popped into view. A gift.

I ran for my camera.  I snapped pic after pic, trying to capture the beautiful contrast between black and white and brown and RED.  Every picture fell short.  However- etched in my mind, is that tiny bird. Eventually, I went back to my (now cold, what mom ever drinks a whole cup of hot coffee?)  coffee.  Inspired by the shot of red….I pulled my Bible off the end table and opened it’s (yes, brown) cover.  This is what I read:

Song of Solomon 2:10-13

“My lover spoke and said to me,
  “Arise, my darling,
  my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;
  the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;
  the season of singing has come,
  the cooing of doves
  is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;
  the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
  Arise, come, my darling;
  my beautiful one, come with me.”

This morning,  in the middle of a cold grey day,  God brought color in a cardinal.  This morning- in a cold grey heart……God brought hope in a verse about Spring.   Had it been warm and sunny- the messages would have been lost in the caucophony of color and warmth.  Instead- the contrast brought them into clear and vivid, view.

I wonder…how many times the same cardinal has been in my yard in the fall, spring or summer- only to go un-noticed? I wonder how many times I;ve read the same scripture missing it’s thread of hope?

Today- regardless of what you find outside of your window… I pray that you’ll find His hope- in it’s contrast.

Funny how tough we think we are, wearing our “water wings”, showing our muscles. making our “game face”, until we hit the water……The transformation is quick and complete…..we go from “WWF” to “Wah! wah! wah!”.

Going swimming was supposed to be fun.  Not traumatic. But most parents or people who’ve been to public pools have witnessed a similar scene countless times:

Loving Dad, holds trusting , yet fearful almost 4′ tall child.  They are standing in water that’s 3 1/2 feet deep- (see the blue markings for evidence;) The child is screaming, but does not want to get out of the pool.  He’s  afraid- but wants to play. He has a grip that could strangle a boa constrictor, and it’s wrapped around his Father’s neck. The dialogue goes like this:

“I’m afraid I’ll DROWNDED” screams child

“You’re ok, I’ve got you” affirms Dad…

“HOLD ME DADDY!” Screams child. (Father is already holding the child.)

“Do you want to get out?” Asks Dad…

“No..No OUT, I want to swim! HOLD ME!” Screams child.

“I have you” Confirms the Dad.

“I can’t see you!”   Shrieks the child.

“Your eyes are closed, but you can feel me.”  Says the Dad.

The child opens his eyes.  He sees his Father. 

Over the next few minutes the child relaxes.  He even splashes his Dad.  He reaches for a ball in the water.  He asks for a “boat ride.”  Pictures are snapped.

Later-

“Ok- time for dinner big guy”  Calls the Dad.

“NOOOOOOOOOO, I Swim!!!!!” screeches the now- fearless- little man.  A new battle ensues.  Now the trick is to get him OUT of the water….

Cute, when it’s my little guy, not so cute when it’s me.

We’re not talking about a  swimming pool for me, we’re talking about so many of the challenges and struggles that I’ve faced.  When I feel like I’m in deep water— I often scream out the same things to God… “Hold ME!  I’m gonna Drown!”  I flail my arms and try to grasp for safety.

It could be a loss I feel, a fear to confront, a child’s future to trust God with… but in the end- I am the same. Arms wrapped around my loving Father’s neck- screaming—

“I’m SCARED!” “HOLD ME!”

Over and over I’ve been there.  Reaching out- trying so hard to grasp at God to save me.  Only to find that he had me the whole time…

Draw Me Close to You

Draw me close to you, never let me go

I lay it all down, again

To hear you say that I’m your friend

You are my desire, No one else will do

“Cause no one else can take your place

To feel the warmth of your embrace

Help me find a way, bring me back to you

You’re all I want, You’re all I ever needed

You’re all I want, Help me know that you are near.

Just like my little guy- I open my eyes to find he’s already holding me.

I can sing, as I wade in the pool of “stuff” .   Yes- sometimes it’s through tears- and always holding tightly to my fathers neck. Knowing that it is Him who really holds me. 

In His time, a place of fear, turns to a place of joy.

“I’m gonna drownded” turns to

“One more swim!”  Fear turns into courage and trust.

Dear Lord- I love you, I trust you, please remind me that I do! I pray for everyone who reads, that they would know and trust the same, that whenever they find themselves in a cold pool, they would wrap their arms around you- and find that you’re already holding them.  I love you Lord- amen!