As I laid my head on the pillow at night, the tears began to flow. Did I even tell my children that I love them today? Did they hear anything but yelling from me throughout the day? Sure they were acting up and pulling on my last nerve, but do they know I love them?

“Father please raise the boys I have into Godly men despite my efforts” became the prayer I prayed more times than I care to admit. So many times I wanted to tell the Lord ‘here is my mommy badge, I am messing these kids up.’ There are so many mothers who are better, more patient, smarter, and have well behaved kids. Father what were you thinking when you gave blessed me with three boys? I am a girly girl who likes girl stuff. And not only did you give me all boys but you moved me clear across the United States from all my support. Father you are making me do all this on my own!!

Why do you give your sons more honor than you give me? God asked in 1 Samuel 2:29.

Yes I was without my support and truth be told if I was near my family I fear I would have relied on my parents more than I should have. Each day I “served” my husband and boys until I had nothing left of me, no identity of who I was. I woke up each morning and served them again; poured out all I had.

The Lord had to remove me from all that was familiar and I had to come to the end of myself where I knew I was not the wife I should be, and not the mother I thought I would be. Despite all I did, all the serving I poured out, I was failing.

Why do we as mothers choose to be exhausted rather than allow God to refresh us? It was not until I cried out to God yelling ‘I can’t do this anymore, you are asking too much of me’ then God showed up and said….”EXACTLY!”

God spoke to me and said:

Why are you putting others first?
Why do you labor for your family and give them all you have and I have nothing?
Why do you turn to everyone else for help before you turn to me?
Why have I only become your SOS God?

It was then that I broke down in sobs, with my face to the floor and said I can not do this anymore….without you. I am not a good Mom without you Lord. I am not a good wife without you Lord. Sure I can exist on autopilot and serve my family, do what needs to be done, but that is not the way Christ has called me to live.

I say this gently but anything you put before God is your idol, even your family. This mother’s day I pray you can rest and reflect. So many of us give and give and give until we have nothing left inside of us.

The secret is that God keeps us filled up as long as we place him first in our life.

As my boys are now teens and we are getting into a very busy season in our lives I am still constantly reminded that God needs to come before all I do for my family! Sure I still struggle being a ‘do-er,’ but God only has to remind me of what it feels like when he is not first above all….even my family.

Heavenly Father, thank you teaching this mother that I am nothing without you. I have often felt like I failed this job called “motherhood” more times than I care to admit, but in the end you were actually teaching me, stretching me, and molding me into the Godly mother/wife you have called me to be. I don’t have everything figured out, I still fail in this area, but I know you are there to pick me up, dust me off and refresh me once again. Father I lift up all the single mothers today may you give them an extra dose of patience, may you pour down your comfort and blessings upon them today. Amen!

Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart. 

Don’t you love the unique designs of mosaic art? I do. I especially love the glass design of the Air Force Academy church in Colorado Springs. I love to decorative with mosaics. Candle holders, a toothbrush holder and a small end table I made with my dad years ago. Making that table taught me a lesson about the beauty of brokenness.

From a variety of different colored marble tiles, I enjoyed using a hammer and smashing perfect, square or rectangular tiles into small jagged pieces. I even repeated the breaking process to make some shapes smaller. Sometimes tile chunks flew off the worktable. My dad taught me to cover my work with a towel prior to hammering. Why didn’t I think of that? After all the pieces were broken, I arranged and rearranged them until they were just right and then I glued them into position. Afterwards, I felt such satisfaction knowing I made something beautiful out of broken pieces. (Thanks for teaching me, Dad.)

This experience left a visual in my mind about brokenness. My brokenness is part of God’s mosaic design. He knows the pieces of my life that have felt the sting of a hammer. I thank God he doesn’t just leave me torn apart. In his love and mercy, he picks up my pieces and sets each one rough piece into his design for my life. His creativity stuns me. He wastes nothing. I see how God is now using my broken life to offer healing and redemption to others. What a gift of love!

God is drawn towards the broken in spirit. The book of James and 1 Peter repeat the same phrase, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” What hope for us who are living and still broken. We can surrender our pride and crumble into pieces before God’s throne of grace. There our Heavenly Father tenderly reshapes us into his perfect design.

After creating one small piece myself, I know how difficult making a design is. I tried making small flowers on my table, but gave up after numerous attempts that looked just okay. Creating a beautiful design takes discipline and dedication. I thank God his dedication never fails. He will finish the good work he has started. That is a promise. Philippians 1:6.

To all who feel broken: Remember God’s plan for your shattered pieces; he is making a masterpiece.

A broken masterpiece, yes.

But broken–and beautiful!

Philippians 4:11 “For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances”.

Over the years God’s taught me an important lesson over and over again. I’ve gone from having 3 preschool children at home and being on one wage to having 3 children at school and living on 2 wages. We’ve had times where we didn’t have money for bread or milk and we’ve had times where we’ve been blessed enough to help others in the same situation when we’ve had too much.

I’ve gradually realised that it’s not the most important thing to have expensive furniture or to live a wealthy lifestyle, in fact if I did have lots of money I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it except give it away. In those hard financial times the most important lesson is that having no money has taught us how to manage what money we do have.

Recently we’ve been looking for a lounge suite for our family room and we want to move the tv there so that when we have visitors we can chat with them with no distractions in our main lounge. Everything we’ve seen has been way to expensive so when we visited with my sister and brother in law a while ago she mentioned she had one sitting in her spare room that she was planning to let her dogs sleep on. When we saw it we were amazed as it was in perfect condition and the exact colour of what we were looking for - my sister is very generous and offered it to us on the spot. I got to thinking…imagine if we’d gone and gotten ourselves in further debt by buying a brand new one? We’d be owing more money we’d be struggling to pay. But God always provides I reckon - it may not be exactly when we want it but He always comes through in the end. God’s good like that.

Think about it…do you buy things when your finances don’t allow for it? Do you envy your neighbours who have more money than you? If you’re on a tight budget perhaps God is trying to teach you something. In every hard to survive moment there’s always something to learn.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

A man happened to come across the cocoon as the moth inside was trying to break out. He watched in fascination as the moth struggled and struggled. It later on seemed to the man that the moth was stuck as there had been no progress for a couple of minutes. The man then gingerly help pry the cocoon open and helped the moth out. To his amazement the moth had a perfect body but small, under-developed and shriveled up wings. The moth was destined never to fly.

What the man did not realize was that the moth, a Emperor moth, had to complete the struggle to break out of the cocoon ad the struggle was what developed its muscles and the final squeeze to get its wings out was what forced the blood into its wings. As it was helped by the man during this crucial stage of its life cycle, the blood was not forced into the wings, resulting in a deformed, non functional moth.

Many times we call out to God when hard times hit, we don’t understand why he does not swoop in to save us; or at least change the circumstances. Why does it appear God is silent during the most difficult times?

The verse above says that we need to trust in him and he will make our paths straight. What exactly does that mean? I suggest more times than not, it means doing the ‘hard’ things. Jonah in the bible was following God, but when God asked him to head to Nineveh to preach to the people Jonah jumped in his boat and went the opposite direction (why can I relate to this so much). No way, no how Jonah was thinking.

When Jonah was swallowed by the whale I am sure during those long days and nights all he thought about is where are you God? Why did you allow this to happen? (Jonah 1)
When Peter saw Jesus walk on the water this went beyond anything Peter could imagine (Matthew 14). So much so Peter wanted to see if Jesus could have him walk on water; so beyond any logic (remember Peter grew up on the water) Peter got out of the boat.
It was not until Jonah turned around and said “ok Lord I don’t understand; this makes no sense, but I will go” and Peter, beyond any logic, trusted enough to get out of the boat that God showed up.

A great American tragedy is the belief that we need to live in comfortable circumstances. Many of us are getting too comfortable; we don’t want to struggle like the moth. Many of us cry out for God to save us, and when he doesn’t (or at least like we imagined) we seek friends or circumstances that will help. In the end we become a non functional moth, we did not go through the trial in which God was going to use to bring him glory.

Heavenly Father, I become like a two year old in the face of trials. I stomp my feet, I complain, and I question why I am going through it. But in the end, I praise you for knowing what I need and not giving into my wants. You know what it will take to make me fly, and to give you all the glory. You have called me to live, not just a moral life, but a life of aggressive abandonment for you (Matt 16:24). Please help me to have full faith and become like Paul claimed; a bondservant for Christ.

                As I walked in the still, quiet air, I was delighted by God’s glory.  It was one of those rare mornings that the moon and the sun were sharing the sky.  The sky was beautiful, with blue/gray and pink hues.  There were clouds sweeping around the sun, making a breathtaking sunrise.  But, the moon was incredible!  It was a huge, perfect golden circle in the sky.  As I walked, I tried to keep that moon in sight.  I knew it wouldn’t last much longer, the later it became and the more the sun rose. 

                 When I turned the corner and went on my usual path, and as the moon made its journey, it was now behind me.  It began hiding behind houses and trees, and it became harder to find.  As I continued to walk, I kept looking behind me, stretching my neck, trying to catch those last glimpses of the beautiful moon.  When, I finally turned my head, and looked straight in front of me, there it was! The moon had been there all along, as I kept looking behind me searching for it.

                I instantly thought of Paul’s words, “Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 3:13-14)  I thought how often in life we keep looking behind us, chasing the moon!  We may have had a success in life that we keep remembering and trying to imitate.  Or, we may have had a failure that we keep thinking about, and wishing we could change it.  “If only…” 

                      But, Paul tells us to forget what is behind us!  Forget about the mistakes and failures of the past.  And, although we rejoice in our successes of our past, instead of being stuck in those, look forward!  He says he is “straining” toward what is ahead.  That means that it may not be easy to go forward, to keep our eyes ahead.  But, we are to “press on” toward the prize- our supreme and heavenly prize in Christ Jesus.  Don’t be foolish like I was- trying to find the moon behind me when it was in front of me all along.  Jesus is right in front of our eyes.  Keep your eyes on Him- straight ahead, pressing forward!

Father, we praise You and glorify Your holy name.  We thank You for Your creation- the sun and moon and beautiful mornings when we get to see them both in the sky.  God, help us to forget what is behind- the failures that we keep reliving, the regrets of yesterday, the mistakes we have made.  Your Word says “there is no condemnation in Christ, and that Your compassion is new each morning.”  Help us to let go of those things, God.  Also, help us to see that Today is a new day.  We rejoice in the successes You have brought to us in the past, but we also want to focus on the new challenges of Today.  Help us to strain toward what is ahead.  Help us God to “press on” everyday.  Thank You for Your love, Lord.  Thank You for Your Word.  Thank You for life experiences that help us see Your Word in our lives.  I pray we all will have eyes open to You, Lord, so that we can see how You are working in our lives everyday.  In Jesus’ name we pray.  Amen.

Have you ever gotten to a place in life where it seems like nothing is happening for you?  You look at life and as much as you look it simply seems as if you are not making any progress in certain areas.   

I’ve hit that wall a few times in my life and this usually brings to surface the complainer within me.  The complaints are usually disguised as simple statements e.g. “God, I thought I would have accomplished a, b or c already.”  Interpretation, “what’s taking you so long to bring this to past in my life?”  As I started down this slippery slope on Friday (my birthday) God directed me to the following scripture 

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Deuteronomy 4:9

 As I read over the scripture and thought about the Israelites who so many times forgot the wonderful things God had done for them I began to count my blessings.  I reflected on some of the many ways my heavenly father shows up in my life on a daily basis, obstacles I overcame and the moments that I knew only he could have brought me through and I began to offer up praises unto him.  By the time I was finished with my impromptu praise session I had no doubt that God was with me and I was indeed blessed by him. This is why every once in a while I ask God in the words of an old song I like to, 

Roll back the curtain of memory now and then
show me where you brought me from and
where I could have been
just remember I’m a human and human’s forget
so remind me, remind me dear Lord

 Father, thank you for the reminding me of all the many wonderful things you have done on my behalf.  Help me to never become so focused on the things I want you to do in my in my life that I forget to be thankful for those things that you have already done.