Singing the right song- to the wrong guy- when love songs lie.

“One of the secrets to a happy marriage is remembering the source of our joy, which is not one another. The source of our joy is the Lord. Yes, we share tons of joyous moments, but we don’t expect, let alone demand, endless joy-filled moments from each other. ”
~ Liz Curtis Higgs ~
from the devotional: Rise and Shine

It was the 80’s 😉 I wore shirt dresses with belts and big hats…..neon sweathshirts and parachute pants….My shoulder pads doubled as floatation devices. He was tall- funny and had a feathered mullet. We were young and in love…. and so very, very happy.

Then, we wrecked it. We got married.

How did we wreck it? Well- we were singing the right song, to the wrong person.

This was our song:

YOU’RE THE INSPIRATION (Chicago)

You know our love was meant to be
The kind of love that lasts forever
And I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time

You should know, everywhere I go
You’re always on my mind,
in my heart In my soul

You’re the meaning in my life
You’re the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You’re the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin’
No one needs you more than I need you …..

We both wanted the song to be true. We tried to make it be true. In ways, the song became true. But- we weren’t all that happy. We were tired.

I cooked- I cleaned, I bought lingerie (and wore it) , I listened, I rubbed feet, I bore children..(did I just say I bore children? That sounds awful…) Anyway- I was on my way to winning the “Wife of the Universe” award. I wanted to be everything to my husband. I thought- “I’ll be happy if I make him happy, that’s what good wives do.”

The problem was- it wasn’t working. He felt pressured to be “happy” and I felt the weight of making him happy…..we were miserable. The more “perfect” I became- the more he felt like he’d never measure up, and the more miserable he felt. If he had a bad day at work and was cranky- I felt like a failure as a wife. If I was PMSY…. He felt like a failure as a husband. When he didn’t respond the way I had hoped, I got angry. When I didn’t- he got depressed.

We were still in love- but we were making each other crazy. Instead of anchoring each other to God, our shelter and hope- we were like two drowning people- trying to rescue each other. We rode the waves of each others emotions like bad surfers, we were sucked under with every big wave.

It’s sometimes called “co-dependancy”. As a daughter of a recovering addict, I should have seen it coming. But, I didn’t. Neither did he. I grew up without a healthy model for marriage- so I took mine from the media. THAT was a big mistake.

Everything I learned about love- was from eighties songs….

Robert Palmer- Told me to be “Addicted to Love”

Steve Miller Band told me I should be magic- Abracadabra

Journey owes me a masters degree in co-dependency. (I doubt I’d hang it in my office;) FYI- 80’s music will never make for a healthy model of biblical marriage.

Co-dependancy was both our models growing up- and our models from the media. It was even taught at church on some levels. We didn’t know any different- and were convinced this cycle would make us both happy. It had to, didn’t it?

It was like wearing an itchy sweater in the cold. We didn’t want to take it off- because we were afraid we’d get cold, but didn’t want to leave it on- because it was causing hives! The circle of co-dependancy was threatening to strangle our marriage. It tightened like a noose. We were both pulling the rope tighter, and tighter.

We were singing the right song- to the wrong people.

We shouldn’t have been singing that song to anyone but God. We had become each others god. We lived to serve and make each other happy. Instead- we made each other miserable.

I don’t make a good god. Neither does my husband.

However- God- does. And eventually- we learned to let Him.

We’re closing in on almost 19 years of marriage. We’ve learned to worship and serve God and enjoy each other. We’ve also learned to tolerate each other- a bad day isn’t a personal attack or a sign of failure (usually) It’s just a part of life. Most of the time- the itchy sweater of co-dependancy is neatly stored in mothballs. When we ocassionally slip it on, we recognize it right away, and are pretty quick to take it off.

Our marriage isn’t wrecked. We are no longer drowning each other. Not only are we happier, but now we even experience joy. Joy surpasses happiness by far. Joy comes from hardships endured. From pain healed, from focusing on God, regardless of our circumstances.

There are times where we laugh until I think “Depends” should take the place of pull-ups in our budget. There are also times- where we hurt each other so much, that I consider “Kleenex” should be our main investment for retirement. But- when we each focus on God- singing our song to him- when He’s the meaning in our life, He’s the inspiration, then- we truly are joy-filled.

Exodus 20-1-6
And God spoke all these words:
“I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Click for more takes on todays quote from Christian Women Online’s Meme “In Other Words”

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