“Oughted”
Have you ever been, “oughted?” No— not outed.
Oughted.
When someone decides that you OUGHT to do something. Or, when someone decides that you OUGHT to be something. Or, you ought not to do something.
Usually, when I’ve been “oughted” the assumptions the person doing the “oughting” was working from, have been wrong. They either misjudged my motive or circumstance. In all probability, when I’ve “oughted” others, my assumptions have been wrong too. I didn’t have the facts. The ones I thought I had? Well, I’ve learned the hard way, that just because something looks like a duck, and maybe even quacks like a duck, doesn’t mean it’s a duck. Sometimes things and circumstances are different than they appear. Oughts, and ought nots are often times wrong.
You can see all kinds of oughts. “They have a big house.. a nice car.. blah blah they OUGHT to be giving more….” Or “Just because she works doesn’t mean she ought not to help in the….” “They ought to be happy, they have everything”. Even at home we sometimes may be oughted….”He ought to help out more, I do everything around here!” “She ought to be able to handle things by herself. It’s her job.” “She ought to be happy, after all, she’s _______”. “She ought to know better. ” Thats a classic.
Being “oughted” is painful. It’s frustrating to have people make assumptions about you based on less than facts. Or, on their own opinion, instead of God’s word.
“Oughting” is painful too. I know, because, well, I’ve been guilty. It’s painful because of the relational damage it does. When I decide that someone ought to do something, I can pretty easily convince myself that if they don’t, DO what they ought, then they are in sin.
The problem isn’t holding each other lovingly accountable. The problem is stepping over into judgment. Sometimes I’ve even gotten angry with someone, based on what I think they ought to or not to do. Without ever giving them a chance to explain or clarify. I just assume. Oughting, can damage relationships.
I came across this scripture today:
1 Corinthians 8:1-3
Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that we all possess knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God.
Ouch. To make it even more clear, my personalized paraphrase:
“The woman who thinks she knows something (like what someone else OUGHT to do, or ought not to do) does not yet know as she OUGHT to know. ”
Oughted. Oughting.
Most of us have been on both sides at one time or another.
The temptation is great on both sides. When we’re wrongfully “oughted” we get angry and defensive. When we see something that we think is wrong, we sometimes get caught up in the possibility, and forget to bother with following the principles in Matthew 18 Go ahead, click the link. Read all of Matthew 18. It tells us how to avoid “Oughting” And, how to respond with grace when we’re “oughted”.
Balancing love and appropriate confrontation, while avoiding “oughting” is hard. But with God’s help- and the wisdom of others we can do it. And we absolutely must.
Today’s questions: Have you recently been “oughted?” Or have you oughted someone else? What did you do to bring peace into the situation? Has God used the circumstance to grow, or change you? How? Also- if you have other thoughts
Many times have I ‘oughted’ people and I didn’t had the facts at all. I didn’t know what was going on in their life.
Most of the time He put things into a different light for me and I felt awful and had to ask for forgiveness…Thank God that He does forgive…
Thank you Tracey for the reminder that we should always get the facts first.
Great points. Great reminders.
Tracey,
Boy is this message right on. I am the queen of ought, especially with my husband. Ouch!! Be blessed.. Love, Lynn
I was ‘oughted’ only last night – and boy does it hurt! I ought to say less and listen more. Because I’m young, I’m new, etc… Church can be a place of so many oughts that it’s surprising we actually manage to DO anything.
I have been oughted often. Especially by one person in particular. Nothing irritates me more than to have my personal relationship with Christ critisized and judged by someone who sees themself as someone qualified to put their touch on my religion and faith.
Because of this, I try to never ought. I fail at times, but I quickly right myself and remember the anger and pain it causes. Beautiful post!!
Wow, this really hit home. I never really had a word to name these feelings…but ought is a great one!! Being a pastor’s wife, not only I but my husband and our son get the “ought” word all the time. We have to decide with a lot of thought, and prayer which oughts we have to do. Many times we have to say no to the people saying the “oughts”, and realize that we can’t be people pleasers, but God-pleasers.
This post also helped me to sort out other feelings too. I grew up with a mother who was a professional “ought” giver. She got into a lot of trouble because of it in church. I think for that reason, many times I’m slow to verbalize, but often do ‘private’ oughts, mentally. Recently, I realized that being a mental ought giver, is just as bad. I was wasting a lot of time thinking how things ought to be, and now I’m trying more and more to give it over to the Lord. I need to continually realize that God is in control, and He’s better at it than I will ever be!
Wow guys, sounds like this one struck a cord. Ampraisinghim….you’re absolutely right the private “oughts” can be just as damaging. We are pretty clearly warned to remove the plank, out of our own eye before tryig to “ought” someone else… yet we still do it, over and over, how sad.
The one most pained in all my oughting? It’s God, and thats the worst part yet. I’m so glad he’s full of grace and slow to anger. I’m also glad that it’s HIM in us who causes to to will and to do good works. Like stopping the “oughting”. 😉
Ouch! Ouch! That one hurt, but sinks in deep. I have been guilty of oughts and have had them thrown at me.Currently I’m at wits end over my ought and their oughts! Seems we both think we are right! I pray that God will open our eyes and send our oughts right out the door!
~ sigh ~ This is one of the most timely and perfect posts I’ve read for me in a long time. My group of friends is currently slinging oughts back and forth and my heart is just so heavy over it. Thank you for these thoughts (ought thoughts?!?!?) as it helps me to set my own heart straight. And thank you for the Bible scripture as I now have it printed and will be a memory verse for today. What a blessing this post was for me!
WOW!!! I need to reflect on this more…alhtough my first though echoes Lynn’s comment 😉