But for the grace of God…
“But for the grace of God, go I.” This is what I thought when I first read Iris’ powerful post on Hopelessness. But, I didn’t say it in my comment. How do you admit that as a Christian that you were actually at a point where you felt hopeless, as if life wasn’t worth living?
I’ve been there. A few years ago several things happened in my life, which caused me to go through a period of depression. I felt hopeless about the situation and dare I say it…? I did not want to live. It hurt too much. Fortunately, I was a Christian. I knew God, I knew his word and I knew if I followed the trend of my thoughts I’d be forever separated from him. However, I thought I could get around that technicality by asking God to take me home instead. Uh hmm, I tried to out strategize God.
Before I went to sleep at night I’d earnestly pray, “God I can’t take this pain, please, please, please take me home tonight. I want to go home God, I want to be with you!” That’s a cry I thought no loving father would deny. But thankfully, my own did. When I would wake up and realize that I was still present here on planet Earth, tears of disappointment would flow down my cheeks.
13 Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord? Who knows enough to give him advice or teach him?
14 Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice? Does he need instruction about what is good? Did someone teach him what is right or show him the path of justice?
~Isaiah 40:13-14 NLT
I’m pretty stubborn so it took me a while for it to sink in that God was not going to answer my selfish, destructive prayer. When it finally sank in I began to fight against the depression, against the negative self-destructive thoughts that had invaded my mind. I began to cry out to him, I began praise him even though I didn’t feel like it.
And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the LORD shall be delivered: Joel 2:32
Then one day I was sitting outside my sister’s workplace singing along with a mixed CD I was playing when the song Jehovah We Praise You, came on. I had heard the song many times before but this time the words gained new meaning. As I sang along with the song I began to praise God right there in the car. I felt His presence so strong that the tears began to flow down my cheeks. It felt as if every one of my burdens had been lifted and I knew at that moment that I was going to be okay. As I sat there waiting for my sister and praising God the words of a poem began to flow through my mind. I grabbed my ever-present pen and notebook and began to write:
Jehovah My Song
Jehovah you are my song
You’re the reason I belong
You’re the reason why my life
Is no longer filled with anger and strife
Jehovah, you are my song
You’re the reason I go on
Life had ceased to have meaning to me
When you stepped in and made me complete
Jehovah you are my song
You’re the reason I belong
Your arms have become a refuge for me
A place of safety, joy and peace
My Lord Jehovah, you are my song
You’re the reason I am strong
When I think of your goodness and grace
I just want to stand up and say…
Oh Jehovah you are my song
You’re the reason I belong
The reason I go on
You’re the reason I am strong
You’ve brought meaning to my life
You’ve become my one great choice
One I’ll cherish all my life
Oh Jehovah you are my song!
I wrote this poem back in 2002, I’ve shared it before on my blog, but never full the story behind it. One thing I have learned from that situation is to turn my problems over to God before they seem so big that I can’t see anyway around them. I’ve also learnt that relationship with him doesn’t exempt me from experiencing hardships and disappointments but, it has shown me that I’ll never go through them alone. I still have moments when I feel completely overwhelmed by life but I have no doubt if I call upon him he will answer. Each day I’m learning to trust him more and cast my cares on him because I’ve proven many times that he does indeed care for me.
As I reflect back I am filled with gratitude that I knew Christ when I went through that experience. If I had gone through it before I accepted Christ the ending of my story might have been quite different. Today, I can truly say, “but for the grace of God…!
Oh Bernadine,
This is the REAL living out your faith. It is in the desperate times when we cling to Christ that we are changed and He is glorified.
Bernadine, You have honored Jehovah today with your life and this testimony. Thankyou for sharing your heart and the truth of God’s plans with me. Love you, me
I guess it fits that my spam word is “hope”
this post was meant for me right now, thank you is all I can get out right now through the tears.
Thank you.
What a beautiful word of redemption for you and your poem in response is a wonderful testimony for what our God has done for you and us. Blessings…
I too have struggled with depression and I still do. I am a Christian but I am on medication for this. I don’t want anyone to ever think that you are not where God wants you to be because you struggle with depression,etc. This has been a lie of the church in saying this. You just don’t say a prayer or praise to get you out of the pit of depression. The only thing that has helped me is not just the medication because the LORD has used this but having his WORD in my heart and having it memorized into the marrow of my being is what brought me out of this pit. However there are times that i am depressed and its just a process that some of us has to walk through but my God has never left my side and his comforting arms all around me!
what courage… beautiful… i know… sometimes it’s so hard to “lean on the everlasting arms”.
hugs and blessings
gp in montana
phil 4:13
The Bible is full of those that struggled with this… Elijah use to run to the hills and hide. He had had enough…
I went through a period like this earlier this year and my counselor kept saying, “You are in a good place.” I thought there is nothing good about this…
But there was…
God had basically derailed me.. or life’s circumstances had..
and in my weakness, Abba could become my strength…
So it’s not always a bad thing..
Beautiful poem
What a powerful testimony, Bernadine. I think that we have all been there at one point or another. I remember the days my dad passed away, I just had moved to the US, no friends…it took me a long time to get out of that pit. Like you said…”By the Grace of God…”
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us.
Blessings to you and yours.
We aren’t promised that life will be easy – but, as you have so wonderfully said, we are promised that He will always be with us. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It is such an encouragement.
i know how it feels when you shared your story. thank God for His abundant grace coz if not for Him – I wouldn’t still be standing!!!