My journey to Forgiveness…
Almost six months ago the pastor of my church, my pastor was removed immediately. He was having an affair. Things happened abruptly. The church was in pain and the board members were trying to figure which way was up. Life as our church knew it, changed over night.
I could write a whole post on how the church handled things wonderfully (and they did). But I am sitting here with a full heart, and dried tears and to tell you how God worked in my life personally.
How could a leader do this to a congregation?
How could the man that was always there for me spiritually, fail?
I know all the answers, and I logically knew I could not even begin to cast the first stone. But yet, deep in the corners of my heart there was unforgiveness and remaining pain. Forgiveness is a journey I found. I could forget about the pain my pastor left for a short time, but then it would come back and hit me like a wall and I became angry again.
I shared with one friend, “I just want to know he was sorry.” Like I said he was removed immediately; one Sunday there, the next Sunday gone. I think I struggled with trying to offer forgiveness to someone I was not sure wanted it. I did come to a point where in my head I forgave him. I forgave him for letting me down, I forgave him for all the pain he brought to the church, I just did not know if he cared though. Until last night….
We were sitting in morning church during a normal service, then right before we were excused to leave one of the board members said, “ex-pastor (don’t want to give names) wrote a letter and asked us to read it to the congregation, but we said we would not and would like him to come in person to read it. So he will be here for evening service to read a message.” There were gasps in the congregation, and I am sure each person spent the afternoon wondering what was going to happen. Remember it has been about six months since this happened, so as a church we have really been trying to move on.
Sunday afternoon I spent ironing and praying. Praying that my heart will receive my ex-pastor’s words with the right spirit. And trying not to let any anger get the best of me. Sunday evening service was packed! The sermon was awesome, we even spent some time in prayer, praying for our church and praying that we would be a church of grace and mercy. Then my ex-pastor walks in, he looked like a broken man. He was invited up by the head deacon, and my ex-pastor said (with shaking hands), “You have been my family for 13 years, I messed up and I am here to say I am sorry, I am asking for your grace and mercy.” He was a broken man, and tears were falling. At the end of the service we were able to come up and say a word to him. While standing in line I wondered what I would actually say. When I got up there and looked in his face all I could do was thank him for always being there for me, and that I forgave him.
He was the first to show up when he found out my grandmother passed away.
He was the first to pray with me when my sister was going through a difficult time.
He was the first one to be at the hospital when I had my jaw surgery to pray with me, in fact he beat me there and I had to be there at 6 am!
He was the first to call me when something happened in my life.
And when I finally was able to look in his eyes, it was not judgment or anger it was thankfulness I felt. We all fall short. I too am a sinful person. I will most likely never see him again in my lifetime, but it is now with forgiveness and thankfulness that I have for him. The tears I shed tonight were ones of healing. The power of forgiveness that I felt in that room, will always stay with me. God can move in such awesome ways.
I pray if any one has hurt you, that you will allow grace and mercy to win out. I realize this is not much of a devotional, but I pray it will bless someone out there going through a difficult time. Thank you for letting me share my story of forgiveness, I will be the first to tell you it can be a difficult journey.
Psalm 130:3-4 (ESV)
3 If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.
Who could stand Lord, who? Not I, that is who. Father thank you for your abundant grace and mercy you pour down upon me daily, who am I to not offer forgiveness when someone else sins? You have saved me from death and because of my sin, you were put to death. Father never let me hold forgiveness toward another one of your sheep, and help me never lose sight of what you did for me on calvary. Amen
Oh Laurel,
The pain and the beauty of this has me in tears as I read it.
Wow.
Thanks for sharing it.
I am so glad to hear that his heart became repentive. I can’t imagine the pain this has caused so many, especially his family.
I pray this brings such healing and ultimately glory to our great God and His amazing love for us.
Sue
Forgiveness is so hard. I know the pain and journey you speak about.
It’s very difficult and a hard won battle.
The results are so worth it aren’t they?
One thing that helped me and I told myself repeatedly is that Christ forgave me of so much more and he’s always always there to forgive me. How could I refuse to forgive someone (my husband in my case) when I freely accept and am so thankful for Christ’s forgiveness.
I felt I’d be a hypocrite to not forgive my husband.
I’m not saying this happened quickly though;)!
Laurel I am blessed by your testimony of allowing God to work forgiveness in your heart. And that is all I really know to say to this. It’s so overwhelming reading this beautiful work in your life. I know it wasn’t an easy road.
Laurel…I hesitate….I so feel the pain you’ve gone through. I have sat beside a precious friend while she endured the pain of a deep betrayal. I have prayed with a loved one for similar pain. It is evident that God has done a miraculous work in your life and your church. A marvelous testimony of mercy. Without mercy where would we be? I am so thankful for forgiveness—thank you for sharing this testimony of what God can do!
Thank you Laurel for sharing such an awesome story of forgiveness. What is great also is the fact that God knew you needed to know your ex pastor’s heart and he made it happen. He truly is an awesome God.
Thank you dear Laurel, this was precious.
In your post about forgiveness, you said it might not be much of one, but you are wrong. It is much more than that, a testimony that can help many.
When I was betrayed I wanted to hold on to the outrage of it, as if that could insulate me from the pain. But it wasn’t until I turned loose of all of that, that the hurting ended.
I don’t even know your pastor, but care for how he must feel, and am praying for him.
Oh Laurel,
I remember when this all went down months ago. How devistated your were.
To read this now is to see our Great God healing the lives of many. I hurt for your ex-pastor and pray he will be healed soon and God will put him to work again.
Thank you so much for sharing your precious heart. Love you, Lynn
Laurel,
I am so sorry for the pain that you, your former pastor and your church has endured, but I know that even with this trial, you all will be strengthed in ways that only God knows. It is so good that you see that we ALL fall short in different ways, that no sin is any worse than another. They just have different worldly consequences.
It is with a better understanding that you can believe and testify to this verse:
Psalms 118:8
“It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.”
We all are fallible, no matter our title in the church.
Thank you for sharing your heartache, but thank you all the more for sharing how God has been able to cultivate a Godly spirit within you, the church and your former pastor. Think of the hearts you will be able to reach if you use this experience to speak of unconditional mercy and grace, freedom in forgiveness and all-encompassing love.
wow laurel. thank you for sharing this. i have encountered similar pain and frustration at the feelings attached to the offensive. how to be real and forgive and release and heal is a mystery to me. But God knows and He cares and I believe he is longing to bring beauty from the ashes our lives have created. like that sunday night for your pastor and your selves….
shalom and love,
Aw, Laurel…what a powerful testimony! That’s an amazing story!
I’ve been there with you on this…I’ve been the one who needed the forgiveness as well. This WAS a devotional because any time you can help someone move past unforgiveness…you’re doing the right thing! I’ll have to admit I felt a little misty over your post. God wants us to walk as He does…in forgiveness! Blessings…blessings and more blessings
I remember when this was happening and how crushed you were, Laurel. I’m so glad you’ve found forgiveness in your heart and are at peace with it now. Still, it’s sad that after feeling so close to him for 13 years, you may never see him again. Very sad.
Ps don’t you find these situations just make you long for heaven a little more? God bless you.
and God bless him….
I’m impressed Laurel with your church – they’ve handled this well. So often, we (as individuals and as a body) are full of condemnation and confrontation in these situations but we’ve not eager to finish the equation with forgiveness. What a powerful story. I can say from experience that it isn’t easy to come to that place of forgiveness for MANY people…Your testimony speaks volumes. He’s a broken man but he’s still the one who was there for you so many times before. It’s so powerful to view people through the lens of forgiveness.
Laurel, I remember this too and I’m so happy that you’ve forgiven him. I know how disappointed you were and I’ve been there many times.
This is one of those examples when we can see the glory being revealed in a bad situation. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Laurel, thanks for sharing this story. it was a solid message and worth the read.
Thanks,
Elisa
What a powerful devotional Laurel. I am just working through the part of my Bible Study on judgement. God has extended such amazing grace and love and forgiveness to us. I know He would have us do just as you have done. Thank you for so faithfully sharing your heart Laurel. It is always such a blessing.
Laurel~
Wow…what an amazing journey you’ve been on!! We are such a blessed people to have God’s grace and forgiveness!!!
God has truly brought you through this situation….and you will be changed forever.
Praying that you’ll stay close to the foot of the cross…so Jesus’ blood drops, can drip on you…to remind you…of what he’s done for you!!! This is my prayer!! DAILY!!
BIG blessings being sent to you from MN.
Laurel, this was so powerful. I can’t help but feel heartsick for your church and for your ex-pastor. No doubt his life is nowhere he thought it would be…it is so sad. But your story of forgivenes is what resonates with me because of how difficult it is when you have been betrayed by someone you care deeply about. It truly is only by His grace that forgiveness and restoration can come. Blessings, friend.
Laurel, as I was reading your words this morning, tears filled my eyes. I am so thankful that your ex-pastor stood in front of you all to ask for forgiveness, grace and mercy…
God is powerful and will move our hearts at times that we are, as human, not possible to soften ourselves. Yes, it is hard to see our spiritual leaders fall, but we all are sinners. Even our spiritual leaders.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey of forgiveness — PTL for His spirit in our lives.
Blessings to you and yours.
Hi Laurel,
My now sporadic reading and commenting is leaving me in the dark about things once in a while. I tried to get to your blog to wish you Happy Birhtday, but I don’t know how to get there. Do I need a special username and password?
Anyway – Happy Birthday sweet girl. I pray it was a really special day.
Forgiveness is never easy… I guess that is why it’s considered an act of obedience!!….
I some years ago, walked through forgiveness of the man that murdered my bestfriend… the freedom has been incredible… I never would have known it had I not walked that path. I am forever thankful to our Abba…
Great post on Forgiveness… I wished more people understood forgiveness and it’s power..
Connie
Pingback: Five Things to Teach Your Kids - Part 5 (last one)