Parenting Struggling Teens
Raising teens today is a huge challenge. I can already tell there are bobbing heads out there, agreeing with that statement. With regards to my own struggling teen, I’ve come in contact with so many other moms out there, dealing with some pretty heavy-duty issues with their teenagers.
In just the last week, I spoke with a friend who’s daughter is battling anxiety issues, just like my own sweet girl. How do we ride these choppy waters and navigate our teens into a place of functioning and thriving adulthood?
I will honestly confess I don’t have any fix all cure or THE ANSWER to solve any situation. Through the ongoing issues of cancer recovery, stress, depression, ongoing health issues, and anxiety that my own daughter has gone and is going through, I’ve found some comfort is four simple areas:
1. You’re not responsible. This was a hard one for me to finally come to grips with. I didn’t cause my daughter’s cancer. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent it or ongoing health issues and anxiety that she’s now going through. I can’t fix it, nor should I hold myself responsible for the outcome. I do what I can for my daughter, then have to leave the rest in God’s hands and TRUST Him for the outcome.
2. Live in the moment. When we first got my daughter’s cancer diagnosis, this lesson hit hard and fast. Life became consumed with doctor appointments, surgery and treatments. I will tell you, I’m so grateful for that because that was just the beginning of what my daughter face. That lesson is what keeps my sane some days because I don’t let the bad moments define all the others. There are precious moments of love and closeness in every day. Grab and appreciate them. They are the inspiration and fuel to keep going some days.
3. Learn to listen. Again, a big lesson for me, especially since I’ve always considered myself a good listener. I am, but when I’m in mommy mode, I want to fix things. I finally learned that a lot of the time, our teens just want us to listen and really HEAR them. This takes practice but it’s vital. Our teens don’t want us to “fix” them. A lot of the time they will come to the right place, but they need us to hear them out. As adults, many of us know we sometimes need to say what we’re struggling with out loud to make sense of it all. Our teenagers need that too. There will be times that we will need to say something, get directly involved, or take action, but most of the time, they just want to know you care and listening is a huge way to show it.
4. Pray like crazy and don’t stop. I confess it’s a challenge, especially when my heart is breaking to see her sadness and frustration that she can’t be “normal.” I have prayed the heavens around this kid over and over again, and I won’t stop until she walks into the healing and future God has told me is hers. And yes, it’s hard when you see them take a couple steps forward and then fall back three steps. Will it ever change? Will this person I’ve worked so hard to raise into adulthood walk into that role with confidence and strength?
Pray, pray, pray. God is faithful. I cling to this truth, because He’s proven it to me time after time. My challenge is not to let my impatience get in the way. Again, trusting God is vital here. He knows our kids. He knows our mother’s heart for them. He’s their Father, Brother, Friend, and hopefully Savior. God can take care of whatever is going on. It may not turn out the way we imagined, but I can guarantee you that it will be the best possible outcome and result for our teenager.
Like I said, I have no clear-cut answers to raising a teenager with issues—to raising any teenager. I only know that we have a mighty weapon in prayer and that God is faithful. Walking the road of parent is the most difficult yet rewarding journey I’ve ever walked. And I have the gray hairs to show for it!
I know one day my daughter will walk into her future with the strength of God to guide her. The struggles of her past will be part of the foundation God has built to equip her for whatever place of service He is designing for her right now. And I’ll be right there, praying for her still, and praising God for the outcome.
Praying and believing,
Dineen
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So beautiful Dineen. Thank you so much for this. It is exactly what I needed today as this week comes to an end and I bring my son back to college on Sunday. I will re-read this and hopefully apply your wisdom to our situation.
Andie
Oh Dineen, My security word is…. mercy. How appropriate.
I don’t let the bad moments define all the others. There are precious moments of love and closeness in every day. Grab and appreciate them. They are the inspiration and fuel to keep going some days.
This is so powerful and you have truly helped me take a moment and think about my own teen. I struggle with switching out of the mommy mode. I want to fix my daughter and you are so right. So many times she just wants me to listen. To really HEAR her.
Thank you so much. Love you my friend.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom Dineen. I have a good friend who has a daughter with an eating disorder. Many times she wonders what she did wrong. I’m going to share your wisdom with her…I’m sure it will be an encouragement.
Thank you, once again, for sharing your heart and wisdom, Dineen. I too needed to hear so much of what you’ve said here. I was listening to a woman on the radio today who, though most of what she said was very encouraging, spoke some words that had me thinking the problems I face with my teen must be due to what I did or didn’t do when my child was younger. It is often tempting to think like that which leaves me w/ inner turmoil leading to despair–this results in praylessness, which is just what the enemy would have. If I’m going to be down, it might as well be on my knees! God Bless you and your daughter. You both will be in my prayers.
I’m so glad, Andie. Praying for you and your teen.
Michele, you’re a good friend. 🙂
You are right Dineen; it is indeed hard to raise children. It gets harder as they get older. Just listening is a great way to have them trust you.
Thank you for the encouraging words.
I know that many parents are struggling with raising teenagers together for various reasons. My heart goes out to you for dealing with an illness in these troubled times. However, my heart is inspired by the wisdom you have gained through it all. God bless.
Martha Bush
Oh thank you for sharing this encouraging post! I have three teenagers that I pray over continually.
….To listen…may Gods grace give that wisdom.
“I don’t let the bad moments define all the others”
Dineen, thank you for sharing this. I don’t have teens yet, but I do have two who are trying to get there faster than I want them to. But it was the statement I quoted above that really got to me. I have been emailing back and forth with Lynn about some struggles DH and I are currently facing, and I really think I needed to read that sentence. God has spoken to me, through others, a few times this week regarding His will – that He wants me to follow His will, not mine (or the world’s even). But this sentence rounds it all out. In following His will for my life, I don’t have to let the bad moments define everything. Thank you, Dineen!
Thank you, Silvana! Appreciate those prayers. I know that feeling, of feeling less… That’s condemnation and not why our precious Savior came! Be encouraged, my friend. We have tough roles as moms but I’m learning that I’m not perfect and can’t be (whew! what a relief), and that God is so amazing in filling the gaps and being the perfect presence and provider we need to raise our kids.
Lynn, some days you are my greatest voice of encouragement. Thank you, my precious friend!
Iris, thank you! Hugs! 🙂
Marci, you are most welcome. Keep praying for those teens. I know sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough but it is! Believe God and trust that He’s even more passionate about your teens’ futures than you are! God is good!
Oh Heather, my heart is right there with you, because I know this struggle well! It’s so easy to fall back into that old habit but the more we do this, the more we take our thoughts captive for Christ, the less power the enemy has to defeat us. This is walking in victory, my friend! I’m so excited for your journey into this sweet freedom. 🙂
Martha, you have become an online friend I just delight in meeting! I always look forward to your comments. Thank you for being an encouragement to me! Hugs!
Dineen. I just loved this post it is so full of truth and wisdom and I needed to read this as well. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter and will keep her and your family in my prayers. It is so true that we want to fix things as a Mother, but I am learning that listening really listening, is so important. My daughter has struggled with having Alopecia and also with cutting. It has been a long journey with her, but we are learning and growing and thanking the Lord for his unconditional love mercy and grace. So much is going on in the teen world today much more than we realize unless we are really intuned with our teen. They need us more now than ever. My heart goes out to you and your family and your daughter. Believing with you. Blessings.
Having a 19 yr old and two younger teens i can say comfortably that parenting a teen is just about the hardest job next to marriage itself. And i cant imagine adding into that mix the stress of phsyical illness. Thanks Dineen for offering great tangible advice for parents to be passionate and yet wear the garments loosely as God continues to change them over these tender but often troubling years. You are such a blessing to many – its contagious!
Dineen,
I’m a little behind on reading posts but I’m so glad I made sure to come back to this one. A friend just informed me a couple days ago that I almost have a tween now (my daughter will be 10 in June) and that freaked me out for a moment. Not because I’m so worried about having a tween, although it does concern me a little bit – but because I know that the next step is her being a teenager. And the time flies by so fast.
This is amazing insight and wisdom for any age I think with our children but especially as the get to the age where they are trying to define themselves apart from their family.
Thank you so much for sharing. I will cherish and focus on these four things as I continue in my journey as a mom.
Love ya girl!
Tonya, thank you so much for those prayers, my friend! Appreciate that. Sounds like you understand well the rollercoaster ride of parenting a teen with some issues. I’m beginning to think it’s rare to find a teen without one these days. My heart is with you as well. 🙂
Hi Kevin! Thanks for following me over to LWG, and thank you for your encouraging words! I had no idea you had a 19 year old. You don’t look old enough in your picture. LOL! I have a 21 year old who helped break me in a bit for the next one. And the gray hairs to prove it… 🙂
Hi Ang! I just know you will be a dynamite mom to your kids as teens. Your heart is so there and determined to see them grow in faith. God will take care of the rest. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. Parenting hurting and struggling teens is difficult and we need to be there for each other, to give support and praying for one another. The more parents share their stories, the more parents find freedom in getting help for their teen and for their broken family. God bless you!
Hi Stacy!
I just wanted to leave a comment for you—when I wrote this, we were in the thick of so much with our daughter. Now, four years later, she is blooming and stepping into her life—a career, a boyfriend who’s wonderful to and for her, independence—and she is healthy! God is so faithful. My friend, your comment reminded me of that today. Thank you. If you are parenting a struggling teen, I just want to encourage you and say, God hears every single prayer and He is faithful. So faithful. And I agree, the more stories we share, the more parents find freedom and encouragement. 🙂