A Strategy for When What You Need Isn’t What You Want
I prayed and doubted in equal parts. They cancel each other out and leave me here, still here, under the weight of difficult circumstances. And God has me right where he wants me.
Not defeated. Not discouraged. Not stagnant, alone, or despondent.
But surrendered.
A girl can easily tire of both doubting and praying, because both are a fight and hard work.
* * *
The wrought iron security gate broke away from its hinge and fell on top of me. I might have died there under that weight. It left me unconscious, badly injured, and in medical shock. I don’t remember the accident or any of the subsequent events that day including the ambulance siren, emergency surgery, or landing in ICU.
Six weeks later, finally home from the hospital and leaning on my crutches, I listened with rapt attention to Kelly, the friend who was with me and witnessed the accident. She recounted every second of our ordeal, any and every detail she thought might spark my memory.
Miraculously, two girls lifted the gate high enough to drag my limp body out from under it. In shock, I instinctively turned myself over, like we unconsciously do in our sleep, shifting from back to belly, to be more comfortable. Of course, those attending me needed me face up, but I rolled over again. So Kelly’s mom, one of the first responders, pinned me face up by restraining my shoulders.
I remembered that!
The memory emerged from my subconscious mind, like trying to remember a faded dream mid-morning that was so vivid at 3:47 when it woke you.
I desired above all else to position myself defensively, but I was being denied. I was in no state to win a battle of wills by physical force, so I relaxed under the pressure of her grip. But I was not giving up; I had a strategy. That’s pretty impressive for a badly injured little girl in shock with no memory of what’s going on, don’t you think? Apparently the survival instinct runs deep and fierce.
My strategy? To surrender. Or pretend to at least, and it worked.
Once I relaxed under Kelly’s mother’s grip, she loosened her hold on me, just as I suspected she would. Then, without hesitation, I used every bit of strength I could muster to flip over in one quick motion.
Success.
My right cheekbone was fractured when the gate slammed me into the ground. It smarted when it collided with pavement for the second time. And that’s the detail that triggered the memory—a level of pain strong enough to gain your attention yet mild enough not to be blocked from memory forever by your brain’s own amazing defense mechanism.
* * *
Today, I find myself in similar circumstances, some painful, some just heavy. An eclectic cluster of situations that range from dire to barely-noticeable-slow-sapping-of-my-energy that together are a weight I cannot spiritually overcome in my own strength. Flipping over and over in doubt then prayer, protective posture though it may be, proves to be a faulty strategy.
Maybe you can relate? Maybe September 11th smarts again today. Maybe you’re weary from your own disappointment, failure, or life pressure that keeps you in a posture of self-defense, spinning through the doubt/prayer cycle.
Jesus wants us face up, surrendered to him in our heavy and painful circumstances. While our instinct demands from us a seeming protective posture, being vulnerable is counter-intuitive and risky. Doing so requires resisting our fierce and instinctive will to live. Jesus won’t hold us down by force, so we need our wits about us to have a strategy better than that of feigning surrender. We must remember, really remember, that to gain our lives we must lose them. Only then can we acquiesce to the one posture that can save us: relaxed in our pain, exposing our brokenness to our true defender and healer, awaiting his gentle touch.
And, yes, it’s going to hurt.
“Jesus wants us face up . . . ” brilliant,
except when “Jesus wants us face down.”
the trick is listening and obeying.
excellent, beautifully written!
Awesome post.
A really powerful post – thank you.
Powerful message, Dawn. I agree that it may hurt to surrender our will to God, but it will be good in the end.